Have you seen a recent divorcé who used to be a perfect husband but right after divorce he starts behaving the way you would never expect him to? Everyone keeps asking what is wrong with him. He, who has always been a very responsible and mature man, acts as a reckless bachelor who doesn’t miss any woman around him. You can’t help wondering whether it is temporary or stay this way forever. You could say that it’s temporary and stop here but we would like to go into some details since recent divorcé is a very peculiar type of men, especially if he is still in love with his ex wife. Even if it was his decision he still is very vulnerable for quite some time. He feels very lonely, abandoned. He used to love her and then stopped however he is not sure what is worse.
He is alone now but he is not ready for it. The longer is the marriage the more difficult to live apart, away from a woman he used to love. What’s next? What out ladies! Here he goes with a bottle of Martini knocking at your door. Don’t rush to open it.
You might know him very well and think that you have no reasons to stay alert with him since you’ve always known him as a decent person. But you can be wrong! Recent divorcé is very dangerous and unpredictable. Forget everything you know about him. He is a different man now. He is devastated, ruined, hurt and can do things he would never even think about doing before. My friend’s husband has been a very reserved man who’s never drunk. After they got divorced he started terrorizing her with drunken escapades and she couldn’t believe that hooligan who once broke her windows used to be her husband.
Other one has become best fiends with his ex mother-in-law. When he was married he never even come to visit her but after divorce he came almost every day complaining about “her darling daughter” or crying and blaming himself for this divorce. In a month ex mother-in-law came to her daughter asking her to take him back.
Attentive, affectionate, reliable, responsible, joyful and easygoing all these wonderful qualities can be lost altogether and recent divorcé can turn then into something completely opposite which will make him a different person. He doesn’t do it to take a revenge, but because he doesn’t really think about the consequences. He used to be so reliable and responsible, trying his best to do everything right but he failed anyway. Therefore consequences are the list he of his concerns now. He can relax and do whatever he wants.
In first days after divorce he hectically or thoughtfully (depends on his temperament) visit his former girlfriends looking for comfort and affirmation. Some of these women could be still in love with him but he doesn’t really care at this point.
Next, he gets involved with random women trying to get rid of some insecurities he developed while he was married.
One of my friends couldn’t meet with women and used to flirt only with his wife’s girlfriends. Obviously she wasn’t happy about it and after she found him in bad with one of her girlfriends she filed for divorce. After getting divorced he started meeting women everywhere: in public transport, bars, movie theaters, internet and had lots of fun doing it. I just want to emphasize that even the most decent and responsible of men can turn into a machine for consuming human emotions and using them as a resource for self-growing. It’s like a black hole that could be very dangerous once you get there. According to psychologists it might take two years before he will get over his divorce, heel his wounds, gain his confidence back and be ready for serious relationships. It happens that men get married second time shortly after their divorce. However it is rare and as a rule these men are not capable of living alone so they grab the first opportunity as a life- saving jacket.
Usually divorcé has couple flings followed by a long affair. He tends to think that he has met his second wife but most of the time it is not the case. This woman just helps him to get over his divorce, heel his wounds and gain back his emotional stability. She is like a white page in the book of his life that separates the chapters. He is ready to write a new one. Thanks to this woman he realizes what he expects from women and what he can and cannot except. If he is a mature man he will work on building new solid relationship with a woman rather then spend the rst of hid life looking for meaningless affairs.
The question is why women rash into this black hole without thinking twice of possible consequences? She wants to be in the relationship and can’t miss an opportunity. But she should be mindful of his state of mind and how dangerous and unpredictable he can be. There may be several reasons.
First, she might not have much experience and doesn’t realize that she is just an outlet for his hurt feelings. She doesn’t understand that he is not capable to appreciate neither her nor his feeling for her, he is just not ready for serious relationships yet.
Second, it can be just the opposite. She is mindful of possible complications yet she gets involved with him anyway. Why? She might not consider this relationship serious and doesn’t really care what this funny guy is going to do. On other hand she can be completely mindful of this black hole and yet still hope that eventually it will work out and she will be able to change his attitude thanks to her love, patience and understanding.
These brave women who regardless of all the danger and insecurity of this type of men decide to get involved with them need some pieces of advice:
1. If you are a very sensitive woman who looks for serious stable relationship rather then a brief love affair do not get involved with recent divorcé. No matter how charming and beautiful you are he won’t be able to appreciate you, he is simply is not capable of it at this point. You, on other hand, will have to invest lots of time and energy in this relationship and most likely it will be a waste. Basically I’ve made my point however if your desire to make it work with him is too strong and you believe that you are in love with him then you may find second advice useful.
2. If you think that the best way to win his trust and affection is to give him your shoulder to cry on then you are wrong. He will see you only as a good friend who will always hear him out and comfort him. He might get used to share with you all his failures and troubles with other women without looking at as a woman.
3. You may well hear something like “All I believed in is lost and I don’t know anymore how to be in relationship with a woman”. Don’t let him turn you into something you don’t want to be. Imagine the relationship you would like to have and do not settle for less. If you want exclusivity while he is dating several different women then leave him because he won’t make it exclusive unless he wonders what tomorrow might bring.
4. Try not to become one of his numerous flings. After a while things will start getting back to normal and he will be more careful with relationships.