The moment when you start wondering about living together will come sooner or later. You start joking about how nice it would be to wake up in the same bad every morning. But saying and doing are two different things: you spontaneous desire to change your life might not correspond to his plans for nearest future. In the beginning living together depends on ability to find compromise. Both of you have something to loose: his bachelor life is at stake, reluctance to assume new responsibilities, share personal space and changing the way of life he is so used to. It is hard to make such move especially if one of you has already had a bad experience. It could take years before you actually take the next step unless you discuss what both of you actually want.
Open up about your fears
If you have second thoughts you’d better say it: “I am afraid to make a mistake, things might go wrong, we will have to break up and it will hurt me”. Your man most likely has some doubts and fears as well and you will be able to dispel some of them.
Keep the distance
Discuss general stuff but keep personal to yourself. Living together doesn’t mean to share absolutely everything. Each of us has a past, work, friends, hobbies, habits we do not want to change. You’ve got to have a private life no matter how absurd it might sound.
Don’t have high expectations
Two adults who decided to live together might be used to different things and have different ideas about how things should be. If you parents never raised voice at one another (or on contrary used to shout all the time), and your dad used to cook breakfast on Sunday morning for the whole family it doesn’t mean that it is going to be the same in your future family. Think about your life together as a researcher: observe and make conclusions slowly. In couple months you will definitely learn more about each other and find out “problematic spots” and “hot topics”.
Discuss in advance everything regarding living together
Budget: discuss whether it is going to be joint or separate and how you are going to manage your finances: who pays the bills or buys groceries. Possible consequences: without raising these issues one day you might discover that there is no money because you ran out of it: you ran into a huge sale and your loved one bought another computer gadget.
Domestic life: verify whether you do housework together or hire a housekeeper, cook yourself or dine out. Possible consequences: while living together you might discover that responsibilities around the house are divided into men’s and women’s job where men’s job is to install a Christmas tree and then take it out while the rest is for a woman.
Children: find out whether you want to have children and how soon. What are you going to do if it goes unplanned? Possible consequences: if he tells you that he would want you to do an abortion think twice if he is right for you. At the same time keep in mind that his willingness to live together doesn’t automatically mean babies and an engagement ring in the nearest future.
Relationships with your relatives: discuss whether you are going to give your house keys to your parents and spend weekends at their place. Don’t forget about your relatives: where they are going to stay when visiting town.
Possible consequences: without setting it straight from the start you risk running into unfamiliar people or complete strangers walking around your home. Even your wardrobe can be arranged differently in case your mother-in-law visited your place when you were away.
Don’t’s
Making ultimatums
For example saying something like “if we are not going to live together then it’s over”. You can never be sure that he wouldn’t choose the latter. Keep taking about living together in hopes that he will change his mind.
He can agree eventually however it is not certain that his indecisiveness won’t turn onto absolute rejection of this idea.
Thinking for him and coming up with excuses for his behavior.
It is a waste of time and effort unless you can read his mind.
Getting upset if he asked you to give him time to think it over.
This “thinking” time will give a chance to think twice about it as well.
Believing everything will go smoothly from the start.
It’s impossible to anticipate how your ideal date is going to be in everyday life. If you had your life just the way you wanted it would become very predictable and loose its charm.
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Some ideas for a romantic date
